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Floppyshop 2
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Floppyshop - 2.zip
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5791-.end
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dmg-6258
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jokes.txt
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jokes.txt
Wrap
Text File
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1998-02-20
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7KB
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219 lines
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A policeman was driving along the motorway when he noticed that the car in
front had a broken brake light lens. He pulled the car over and asked the man
to step out of the car. The man did as he was asked and the policeman took
him to the rear of the vehicle and pointed down to the light. The driver
sunk to his knees sobbing uncontrolably. The policeman seeing the distress
caused and feeling a bit sorry for the driver tried to console him.
"It's all right, it's only a broken light, I'll let you off with a warning".
"F**k the brakelight", says the driver, "where's my bastard caravan gone?"
A white hunter was stalking lions in Africa with his local guide Winston. They
were on the trail of a huge male lion and had just manged to get one shot off
but it flew high over his shoulder. The lion turned around to face them, and
moved menacingly forward. As the hunter went to reload, he dropped his clip
of shells down a meercat burrow. Shit. Winston took a pair of trainers
from inside his backpack. " Christ ", says the hunter, " You'll never outrun a
lion man ". Winston says "F**k the lion, as long as I can run faster than you".
A guy comes home from working night shift to find his small son sitting
crying.
"What's the matter with you then son?"
"I came downstairs this morning dad and found the budgie lying in the bottom of
it'd cage with it's legs up in the air".
"Ah. I see", says dad, "And what did mum say?"
"She said that he was lying like that until God took him up into the sky
into heaven".
"Well, she's right that's exactly what happens".
Dad consoles the boy and they carry on with the day.
Next day when the man comes home the boy rushes down the path towards him all
excited.
"What is it son? What's happened today", says dad a bit concerned.
"When I came downstairs THIS morning, mum was lying on her back on the
kitchen floor with HER legs up in the air shouting "I'M COMING, I'M COMING", and
if the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her holding her down, she'd have
been away up with the budgie!"
A guy is at work using a circular saw, leans over the blade and saws his arm
clean of. His mate quickly shoves it into a carrier bag and they rush him to
hospital.
Next day he goes to visit his friend and no-ones in the bed. he asks the
doctor what's going on and the doctor tells him he's outside playing tennis.
"WHAT", says his pal", he only cut his arm off yesterday, how can he be playing
tennis today".
The doctor smiles, "It's one of the miracles of modern surgery".
Amazingly the guy is back at work in two days. Unfortunately he slips while
working on the same saw and cuts his leg clean off. His mate rushes over
again and shoves the leg in a carrier bag and rushes him to hospital.
Next day he goes to visit, and, again, there's no sign of his pal in the ward.
He asks the doctor where his friend is and is told he's outside playing
football.
"Jesus doctor, that's just incredible. He only had his leg cut off yesterday".
The doctor smiles again. "I told you before, it's amazing the miracles of
modern surgery".
Anyway. The guy's back at work the very next day, but in his excitement to get
back to his job, he trips going over to his circular saw and saws his head
off. The mate rushes over once more, puts the head into a carrier bag and
rushes him to hospital.
He goes into hospital the next day to visit, and is astounded to be told that he
had died. Very upset he confronts the doctor.
"You've been telling me all week about the miracles of modern surgery, how
come you couldn't cure him this time?"
"Well we could have, "says the doctor, "but some silly bastard put his head in a
carrier back and suffocated him".
A man was stopped by police in central London today for walking around
naked.
"I know you're not going to believe this", he told the arresting officers,
"But I was at a party and the hostess told all the women to take off all
there clothes and stand against one wall, and told all the men to take off
all their clothes and stand against the other wall. She told all the men to go
to town, and I guess I'm the first to arrive".
A man walks onto a building site and up to the foreman.
"Hello, any chance of a job as a handyman?"
"Can you mix cement?", asks the foreman.
"No".
"Can you build walls?"
"No"
"Can you carry wood?"
"No"
"Plumbing?"
"No"
"Electrical?"
"No"
"What the hell makes you a handyman then?
"I only live round the corner".
A newlywed couple are a bit embarrassed about sex, so they decide to call her
privates the washine machine, and his the washing. One night as they get into
bed the man asks his wife if he can put the washing in the machine.
"Not just now darling, "she answers, "I'm too tired".
Anyway, she falls asleep but wakens up in the middle of the night feeling a
bit amorous, and shakes her husband.
"You can put your washing in the machine now darling", she says.
"Sorry love, I've already done it by hand, "he replies.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre'. So he gave her one.
The crowd at the circus were totally engrossed as the lion tamer put the
huge beasts through their paces. The big cat's tricks got more and more
daring, until the lion tamer got the largest of the animals to sit right in
front of him. He grasped the lion's huge jaws and strained to pull them wide
open. As they got to their fullest extent, the crowd cheered their approval. The
lion tamer held up his hand to silence the applause, pulled down his fly and
set his member in the gaping mouth. The crowd gasped and cheered wildly. He
again raised his hand to silence the applause, reached around behind his back,
produced a cricket bat and walloped the lion over the head with the bat. The
huge beast grimaced but held it's mouth wide open. The crowd were in raptures
cheering and clapping.
As he withdrew his member, he held up his hand again to silence the applause.
"Now," he cried out, " can I ask for a volunteer from the audience to come
down here and do that ?".
" All right, " shouted an old biddy, " I'll do it, but you're not hitting me on
the head with that bloody bat !"
When I was out for a walk the other day, a mate of mine came along the road
pulling a cabbage on a lead. I shouted over, " Hey, why have you got a cabbage
on a lead ?". He looked down at it and replied, " Bastard ! The guy who sold it
to me told me it was a collie ".
It's a laugh innit.
Bob
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